tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
