I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
