So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
