I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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