Apparently you make a good broom.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
porn star boner night. come get it.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
