just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
