I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Sorry about my life...
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
