I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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