Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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