we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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