I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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