I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
