Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I touched a dick in church today
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
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