i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
