I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
