so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
