So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
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i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
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Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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