I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
