im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
