Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
