I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
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Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
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Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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