Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
