you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
