He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
