Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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