just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.