the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Randomize
