I just pynch a tree in the face
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
