I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
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And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
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My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Oh god it's open bar.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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