i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
My ATM looks so different sober.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
you made out with another girl for some wings
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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