I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
