Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
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