I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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