I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
