Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
