How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
