Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
