What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
