Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
