I'm really into asian looking animals
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
