Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
My vagina just recognized that song.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Randomize
