How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
