her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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