I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
