The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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