And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
