i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I need to stop coming to work sober
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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