Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
