apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
As shirtless as possible
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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