well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
