I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
