you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
