Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
