The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
