You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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