whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
