I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
