remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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