I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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