I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
